Intentionality

Live with Intentions. Did I intend to be in the middle of this river? (Yes!) 

In my writings, I tend to stress many organizational related subjects, such as goal setting, mindfulness and planning. There is a common umbrella topic that all these things have: Intentonality.  I think intentional behavior is perhaps the one thing you should reflect on the most if  your struggling with difficult feelings This has its roots in the nature of habit forming. Habit forming develops in a separate area of the brain than our other cognitive functions, so when I’m sure my autonomous behaviors are driving me to feeling like Nietzschian trope, I immediately reflect on my current state and unpack my mindfulness.

Everything that makes up your ability think and act, the so called “executive thinking” , sits at the front of your skull while the habit forming behaviors behaviors are stored in your so-called lizard brain(its actually the Stratium which sits above it). These brain functions work hand-in-hand, meaning that your executive reasoning takes into account your primal thoughts (pain, pleasure, habits and routines) before making decisions. If you don't exercise critical thought, you might be prone to being in auto pilot. Ever drive out of your house to all of the sudden arrive at your destination without any memory of the trip there? Routines are like that. The reason routines are so pragmatic in sports is because it stops that few milliseconds of executive functioning that might slow down performance. That so called muscle memory is really your lizard brain taking the wheel.

So we can acknowledge that this autonomous behavior can have good and bad outcomes. It's great if you are an athlete training for an event. It's bad if you are trying to break a harmful habit or negative emotions. I've found the best tactic to be that of intentionality. With intentionality, you wrestle your brain's executive control back into the drivers seat. You can't allow habit and cravings to steer the ship. Intentionality has to happen the second you wake up.

When your eyes blink open from the pillow, you should start with something intentional. I start with a positive affirmation that has nothing to do with the addiction.

"I'm going to paint the house and it's gonna rock"

or if you have something going on at work

"I'm going to finish the project this week"

The affirmation is the start of the intentional thinking. It doesn't end at the beginning.

For me, my morning starts with coffee, talking to my daughter before she goes to school, and then planning my day. I sit with two day planners, one day planner has a to-do list where I brainstorm all the things that need to get done. Yoga, meditation, 10-12 work items, paying bills and so on. With the second day planner, I write down the times I will accomplish these tasks.

It seems pretty straight forward, right? I’m always monitoring my actions. I'm not allowing idle time. I'm not allowing the lizard brain to take the wheel. I set boundaries on myself and won’t put triggers in my path to be tripped. This isn’t avoidance, rather it’s making sure my goals are in line with the actions I’m performing. If my goal is getting the grocery shopping done, I shouldn’t be watching Hell’s Kitchen on the living room couch.

If I don't have a good reason for doing something, I won’t do it. And I always vet my reasoning before taking action. Sometimes my habits can sucker me in to poor decision making, especially with all the marketing tossed into our lives. . My advice is to start your days with intentionlality and find ways of keeping intentional behaviors throughout our day. Mantras are a good start, and task management and boundary setting are also good intentional behaviors to help stay on track.

Ego Death and the Hill We Die On.

I was attending a meditation the the other day and heard a great quote from  Eckhart Tolle:

Fear seems to have many causes. Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of being hurt, and so on, but ultimately all fear is the ego's fear of death, of annihilation. To the ego, death is always just around the corner. In this mind-identified state, fear of death affects every aspect of your life.

 That one hit me pretty hard. I can't tell you how many times I've died on some hill defending some abstract idea that, in retrospect, I wasn't really attached to. Sometimes I do feel passionate about defending ideas, which is something I should be even more introspective about. There is this fear of being wrong, I've being proven wrong. That is my ego screaming for it's self worth to be acknowledged. I've had some time now to work on myself, to watch my mind as it stakes out hills to die on. I've gotten much better at doing the "ego check", to make sure my thoughts aren't really racing to fight because I've conditioned my ego to be am unyielding rock for ships to crash on. That power of habit has been cranking for decades, making sure I assert myself  or risk being irrelevant.

The treatment for such a sickness is evident. I slow down. I shut up. I listen.  I let other people talk. I stop inserting myself into the middle. I let Ego death occur.  I take off the hat of "rebel" and be at peace.

Unfortunately, there is this lingering side effect. I now see ego of others screaming back. I'm aware of their fears pouring from their mouths. It's as if I walked into a funhouse to admire the hideousness of my ego's reflection in different  a thousand warped varieties. Perhaps it isn't so bad, maybe this new found perspective is to serve a reminder of the self I could not see. If I am forced to reflect on the screaming egos around me, perhaps it keeps me ever vigilant to monitor my fears.   In ego death, there is no finality, only transcendence.

Nocturnal Panic Attack

I had "waking" anxiety episode the other night. Long story short, I used all the tools I've been collecting to jump on it and avoid having an attack. It's  a very empowering feeling to see all the hard work pay off Mediation,yoga and breathing exercises helped me stay focused and not get lost in my feelings.  Also, word of advice to those who want to avoid such things, don't eat salty food the night before a stress-educing day. I need to get better at my dietary habits as a tactic to mitigate stress. A blog post for another day!

Stacy Mizrahi Fights Anxiety with Meditation

Distraction Doesn't Fix Anxiety and Depression

One disadvantage to  having  ADHD, anxiety and depression living in the same skull is that you tend to let distractions enter your life and use it as a coping mechanism to deal with daily issues.  Some might think distractions are the way to go. Heck, one might argue that Cognitive Behavior Therapy is a giant distraction exercise to get your mind out of the fog. But after getting a wide variety of therapeutic approaches, I can say that distraction never deals with  the root of the problem. That's not to say that distraction doesn't have its merits, it just means that distraction won't be the pathway to long term solutions.

This is a picture of me almost 10 years ago when I was president of the Seminole Club of Baltimore. 

Stacy Mizrahi at FSU Leadership Conference 2009

See that big smile? Yeah, I may of been happy at that moment, but I was a big wreck. My work with the alumni was a giant excuse to go out, drink beer and socialize. Sounds like fun, right? Unfortunately, the alcohol consumption was fueling my depressive episodes, which I wasn't putting together at the time. I would drink to help relax after anxiety spent the day kicking my ass. Then I would obsessively read about football and drink to lower my anxiety about the results of the game. I spend most of my football watching shouting and screaming at the TV (or at the stadium if I was attending a game). So my distraction was both anxiety inducing and would eventually induce depression.  Once in a depressive state, I could be in it for days. Does this sound like fun? Hell no! And week after week I would subject myself to this, trying to convince myself that I was living a rich life doing things that no one else did. 

Stacy Mizrahi and Jimbo Fisher

Here I am with Jimbo Fisher the year he took control of the football team. Great photo op, the coach and some guy that's two drinks away from jumping off a building. The distractions kept me alive, I guess. But I never got anything close to recovery in these days. I was actually digging my depression into a Grand Canyon sized issue. I wish I had one of those time traveling  DeLoreans to go tell that guy to get some help (me and  the coach). I can't see happiness in any of these photos because I know the pain behind the smile. Too proud and pigheaded to get help, and too distracted to put in any effort. If there is any lesson here, its to those currently struggling: don't  find solace in distraction.

ASCI is Awesome

We did our first Deep Creek summer vacation, and I have to say that it was pretty darn awesome. But I wanted to focus on ASCI, which stands for Adventure Sports Center International. We have done a good deal of white water rafting in the past, so when I saw that there was an artificial water course - my first thought was, "why?"

Why go to a man made course when there are so many great white water options nearby?  The answer is because it's always good. On most rivers you are rolling the dice on any given day depending on the conditions. The ASCI experience is always consistent : non stop white water.

Our Group Paddling ASCI at Deep Creek

I was surprised at how much fun I had on this course. If you have ever been to Wisp resort during the winter time, you've probably noticed that big empty flat area surrounded by bolder at the top of the mountain. Believe it or not, that is a summertime water course. If you go, you'll get about 2 hours of run time, I think we had about six or seven runs through the entire course. They have guides at various areas to make sure everyone is safe, and my 52 lb daughter had no problems staying in the boat (see picture).  If you are staying at Deep Creek, the advantage of this is that you can get the white water experience without having to commit your entire day.  After our 2 hour run, we drove back down to the lake and had some lunch, then went down to the beach at the state park. It's the perfect family getaway without having to go all that far away!

The PHP Resolution

Last month I was dealing some PHP issues on my recent project and I finally came to an understand of what was going on. In short, I would run a SQL and have PHP return the value for the result, only to find out that the result wasn't what I expected.  The gaff I made reflects on my lack of understanding of comparison operators. Having lived in an Oracle SQL world for nearly two decades, I used SQL to troubleshoot other peoples data issue by writing code to tease out problems.  When I needed to make an exact math on data, I would use the equals sign to get that record I was looking for. However, in PHP land, using the equals sign is how you SET a variable.  If you want to find a match for something, you use two equal signs (==).

else if ($variable == '3')

In the above situation, the double equal translates to ," If the variable is equal to  3, then its true"

The transition in compassion operators between  SQL to PHP can be nerve racking as you have to switch "logic"  hats while writing code in the same damn file. The SQL and the PHP sit side by side, yet the use of the operator has different meaning. You live, you learn!

Anxiety and Dealing with Work

Nothing gets my blood pumping like not knowing why something isn't working. As I dabble in web work, that unfortunately happens often with the hodgepodge of technologies I work with. And all the self affirmation in the world won't help get the stressed-out vibe out of my body This is especially true when you think you have a working knowledge of a topic but are lost in explaining the "why" when things aren't working.

After 20+ years of being in IT, you would think I would be over this by now. So after having talked this over with my therapist, we looked over my work habits and it was plain to see that I work obsessively at problems. Not knowing answers isn't the core issue, its the fact that I keep throwing myself at things that I can't fix and keep expecting something to change.  So interventions are in order.

First thing is first, I have to approach my work behaviors systematically. That means giving myself time to work and time to take breaks. Not doing this leads to burnouts. So, I'm adapting the
Pomodoro Technique, which would be a 30 minute work cycle followed by a 10 minute break. Rinse and repeat. Second, I'm going to give myself a "three strike" rule, which is to say that after 3 failed  attempts at fixing something, I stop and search for alternatives.  In this way, I separate learning initiates from production. If I can't figure something out, likely I have to learn more and need to cut time out to do so. So as a personal productivity issue, I can't let learning issues sit in my production timeline because one is monetized and the other isn't. It all gets down to admitting defeat and not letting my ego/compulsive behavior sabotage my job.