That was a pivotal moment where I had to stop planning things and start reflecting on intention. Even if my intentions were genuinely out of compassion, trying to think out the "why" was not an easy answer. There are some situations where I feel compelled to do what I can. I want to be a good father, a good son and a good person. But is my compulsion to do good things done out of a sense of stoic giving back or am I trying to tick off boxes in the righteous living checklist? It sounds comical but intentions do reveal a lot! I have to confess that I wasn't quick to an answer.
Sometimes what feels like duty and selflessness is often window-dressing for indulgence. I'll often put myself "out there" to try to help out others and catch myself going through mental gymnastics of finding some grace in the actions I'm doing. Hence, my motivations are actually for a feeling of accomplishment. Other times I have no pretenses of anything other than getting something done for the other person - true altruism. Then there is a murky area where I might be "playing the part" - doing something I think I should be doing because that is what is expected of me.
In the end I have decided that sometimes its best to lean in on the serenity prayer. Sometimes I have to accept the things I cannot change and accept the things I can. I have to recognize when things are out of my control and that all the honest intention in the world won't make things better. I sometimes have to accept that even my best intentions likely won't change the course of events or improve any outcome. Instead, I have to invite the serenity in and know when my presence won't measurably improve anything. I have to be strong and learn to let go.
