Ego Death and the Hill We Die On.

I was attending a meditation the the other day and heard a great quote from  Eckhart Tolle:

Fear seems to have many causes. Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of being hurt, and so on, but ultimately all fear is the ego's fear of death, of annihilation. To the ego, death is always just around the corner. In this mind-identified state, fear of death affects every aspect of your life.

 That one hit me pretty hard. I can't tell you how many times I've died on some hill defending some abstract idea that, in retrospect, I wasn't really attached to. Sometimes I do feel passionate about defending ideas, which is something I should be even more introspective about. There is this fear of being wrong, I've being proven wrong. That is my ego screaming for it's self worth to be acknowledged. I've had some time now to work on myself, to watch my mind as it stakes out hills to die on. I've gotten much better at doing the "ego check", to make sure my thoughts aren't really racing to fight because I've conditioned my ego to be am unyielding rock for ships to crash on. That power of habit has been cranking for decades, making sure I assert myself  or risk being irrelevant.

The treatment for such a sickness is evident. I slow down. I shut up. I listen.  I let other people talk. I stop inserting myself into the middle. I let Ego death occur.  I take off the hat of "rebel" and be at peace.

Unfortunately, there is this lingering side effect. I now see ego of others screaming back. I'm aware of their fears pouring from their mouths. It's as if I walked into a funhouse to admire the hideousness of my ego's reflection in different  a thousand warped varieties. Perhaps it isn't so bad, maybe this new found perspective is to serve a reminder of the self I could not see. If I am forced to reflect on the screaming egos around me, perhaps it keeps me ever vigilant to monitor my fears.   In ego death, there is no finality, only transcendence.

Nocturnal Panic Attack

I had "waking" anxiety episode the other night. Long story short, I used all the tools I've been collecting to jump on it and avoid having an attack. It's  a very empowering feeling to see all the hard work pay off Mediation,yoga and breathing exercises helped me stay focused and not get lost in my feelings.  Also, word of advice to those who want to avoid such things, don't eat salty food the night before a stress-educing day. I need to get better at my dietary habits as a tactic to mitigate stress. A blog post for another day!

Stacy Mizrahi Fights Anxiety with Meditation

Distraction Doesn't Fix Anxiety and Depression

One disadvantage to  having  ADHD, anxiety and depression living in the same skull is that you tend to let distractions enter your life and use it as a coping mechanism to deal with daily issues.  Some might think distractions are the way to go. Heck, one might argue that Cognitive Behavior Therapy is a giant distraction exercise to get your mind out of the fog. But after getting a wide variety of therapeutic approaches, I can say that distraction never deals with  the root of the problem. That's not to say that distraction doesn't have its merits, it just means that distraction won't be the pathway to long term solutions.

This is a picture of me almost 10 years ago when I was president of the Seminole Club of Baltimore. 

Stacy Mizrahi at FSU Leadership Conference 2009

See that big smile? Yeah, I may of been happy at that moment, but I was a big wreck. My work with the alumni was a giant excuse to go out, drink beer and socialize. Sounds like fun, right? Unfortunately, the alcohol consumption was fueling my depressive episodes, which I wasn't putting together at the time. I would drink to help relax after anxiety spent the day kicking my ass. Then I would obsessively read about football and drink to lower my anxiety about the results of the game. I spend most of my football watching shouting and screaming at the TV (or at the stadium if I was attending a game). So my distraction was both anxiety inducing and would eventually induce depression.  Once in a depressive state, I could be in it for days. Does this sound like fun? Hell no! And week after week I would subject myself to this, trying to convince myself that I was living a rich life doing things that no one else did. 

Stacy Mizrahi and Jimbo Fisher

Here I am with Jimbo Fisher the year he took control of the football team. Great photo op, the coach and some guy that's two drinks away from jumping off a building. The distractions kept me alive, I guess. But I never got anything close to recovery in these days. I was actually digging my depression into a Grand Canyon sized issue. I wish I had one of those time traveling  DeLoreans to go tell that guy to get some help (me and  the coach). I can't see happiness in any of these photos because I know the pain behind the smile. Too proud and pigheaded to get help, and too distracted to put in any effort. If there is any lesson here, its to those currently struggling: don't  find solace in distraction.