Stacy Mizrahi and Letting Go of the Self

Recently I've been feeling my powerlessness and recognize that there isn't much I can really do about things that are 100% outside of my control. I'm coming to grips with the fact that a huge portion of my character is reactionary and wants to help in any way possible. Until recently, I've never questioned why. But one day I had someone ask, "Are you doing that for him or are you doing that for you?"

That was a pivotal moment where I had to stop planning things and start reflecting on intention. Even if my intentions were genuinely out of compassion, trying to think out the "why" was not an easy answer. There are some situations where I feel compelled to do what I can. I want to be a good father, a good son and a good person. But is my compulsion to do good things done out of a sense of stoic giving back or am I trying to tick off boxes in the righteous living  checklist? It sounds comical but intentions do reveal a lot! I have to confess that I wasn't quick to an answer. 

Sometimes what feels like duty and selflessness is often window-dressing for indulgence. I'll often put myself "out there" to try to help out others and catch myself going through mental gymnastics of finding some grace in the actions I'm doing. Hence, my motivations are actually for a feeling of accomplishment.  Other times I have no pretenses of anything other than getting something done for the other person - true altruism. Then there is a murky area where I might be "playing the part" - doing something I think I should be doing because that is what is expected of me. 

In the end I have decided that sometimes its best to lean in on the serenity prayer. Sometimes I have to accept the things I cannot change and accept the things I can.  I have to recognize when things are out of my control and that all the honest intention in the world won't make things better. I sometimes have to accept that even my best intentions likely won't change the course of events or improve any outcome. Instead, I have to invite the serenity in and know when my presence won't measurably improve anything. I have to be strong and learn to let go. 

Happy Mothers Day

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Happy Mother’s Day! We love the mom of the house and we send our love to the Grandma. 

Merry Christmas

 Merry Christmas! It's been a crazy year, and I'm happy to have gotten through it. Looking forward to continued growth and strength. 

Morning view

It is spring time and this is the view from my deck. Every day is a blessing and I must take note of my surroundings to keep that reminder. 

Self-Fragility and the Art of Accepting Pain

 

As I have gotten older, I've accepted that a lot of what I would call a "comfort zone" is due to a shit-load of privilege. I grew up an only child, was raised in a middle class family and largely didn't have to worry about a dangerous environment in that process of getting to adulthood. All those things are arguably good as no one wants to have their children hurt. But there is this other side - a side in which a person , accustom to things being a certain way, finds them self at odds with the world around them. From this sense of discomfort arises protection mechanisms that protect the person from further discomfort by absolving responsibility of culpability in whatever is going on. It can happen on any number of subjects, from racism, sexism, harms of cultural homogeny, you-name-it. The most insidious part about that is that it stops personal growth and conceals truths or realities that inflict pain. This is the Self-Fragility I call into question. 

No one wants to be blamed. And certainly, we tend to be in systems that protect us from any accountability - even if no action we did created the problem in question, However, that doesn't mean a lack of action is a lack of accountability. The issue is one in which I - a person of arguably boringly average upbringing , will deflect, argue, and whine about issues that threaten to harm my image, ego or worldview. When I catch myself doing it, I have to question a great deal about WHY I'm doing it. And regardless of the issue, it always seems to get back down to protecting my fragile self. Through all my perceived strengths, I can at times see a giant coward hiding within. So I continue my quest to face the hurt, to allow myself to try accepting some blame and shame. I became aware recently that my own spiritual growth isn't fulfilled through finding comfort, but rather that the struggle with my own expectations,  rationalizations and the outside world can be a rocky road where I occasionally find balance and harmony. And I must be willing to forgo my own fragility to experience the bumpy ride. 

Inducing Stress and Lessons Learned

 

I grew up not knowing how to deal with stress. As a consequence,  I became a person who let his emotions run his life. I couldn't leave things at work. I couldn't even deal with the stress while at work. My ADHD  also complicated matters, as my focus would get derailed, I would slide into negative behaviors and my performance would become degraded. My solution to stress was sometimes healthy - like exercise. And other times not so healthy, like drinking, caffeine,  and internet surfing. 

Mediation and Yoga gave me something new - a mindfulness practice to help center myself. The idea was not stress avoidance - although they can sometimes achieve that. Rather, the practice became more like training my brain to cope. Stress is an encompassing experience - your brain and body all of the sudden shift into a different gear and you no longer feel in control. But you actually are! You may not have control of circumstances, but you have control over how you deal with with those stressful events. You might be able to manage to external stressors, but you can always manage the way you deal with them. Like hitting the ball of a tee, the practice over time makes you better at hitting the ball. The practice of yoga, over time, can help you ride out the emotional waves and bring you back to center  - and perhaps even make you calm in the storm. 

My Hiking Adventures

 

Last week, I was mentioning to someone that when I was in the midst of my panic attacks back in 2017, I began noticing that my normally relaxing hiking trips no longer worked! After a lot of self work, I've been hiking again and finally finding that serenity I normally experience while in the woods.  I believe that serenity isn't something that you escape to, rather its a state of mind that you achieve after putting in a lot of work.  Hence, I could only enjoy the outdoors when I was able to tame the anxiety.  If I used the outdoors as anxiety relief, eventually the impact subsides and I was left "going through the motions", unable to appreciate the beauty around me. 

Last year I decided to put a page together so I could catalog my hikes, both past an present. When you see them all together on one page, it's a pleasant reminder of how dedicated I've been to my outdoor explorations. I have ton of hikes to upload, so its going to be a process to get them all on.   In addition, I've been contributing to the Hiking Project - which is a noble effort to document the trail systems that no one else knows about!