Saying Goodbye to Mom and Dad

I'm coming to the realization that I won't have any more moments like this. Mom and dad m talking on the couch of the the living room of their Florida home. Mom is gone, dad is gone, the home is gone. Its difficult to say goodbye. I didn't have any other direct family, it was just us. All I have now are the memories. I'm sorry to see them go. 

Tour of the Laurel Highlands

We did a tour of the Laurel Highlands starting with some white water rafting in OhioPyle. We visited the local winery and distillery and then headed over to historical landmarks Fort Necessity and the Washington Tavern. We also explored the Laurel Caverns and drove down to Deep Creek to watch the 4th of July fireworks. 

Happy Birthday to my Dearest Wife

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We did a bit of celebrating in Catonsville at the Catonsville Gormet. Heather and Perry joined us to usher in Pam’s birthday. Great seafood! Also, crazy to see how much Meghan looks like Pam when they sit side-by-side. 

New meditative space

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Just completed my new office and enjoying the digs! Complete with LED lighting and window facing desk. It will make a fantastic work location and meditative space. 

Practice Makes Perfect

 

There is an old expression that "practice makes perfect". One thing that I have realized over the years is that this applies to ones own sense of spirituality. I tend to think of Spirituality in the Carl Jung sense, that it is a journey of the self - a quest that requires path of discovery and hard work. The trick is to knowing what path to take - what should one spend time working on to discover one's self? This is where Jung tells us that the discovery is our own  that we have to do the heavy lifting and exertion. The discovery happens when we go through the exercise of working on ourselves. And this is where practice makes perfect. I have to commit to being consistent on working on being a better person. I'll find out who I really am when the work is done. 

Great Fall Weather for Apple Picking

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We did our annual apple picking at Larriland Farm. Its always an excuse for us to clown around! Fall is my favorite time of year. 

Some pics from our July hike up Swallow Falls

A collection of pictures from our hike to Swallow Falls. I had no intention of going up but the daughter was feeling adventurous! https://stacy3583.wixsite.com/mysite/post/the-summer-climb-up-swallow-falls

Fun at Duran Duran concert

 

We had a blast at the Duran Duran convert which was at the Merriweather Post Pavilion. The biggest surprise may have been the opening act, which was Nile Rodgers and the Chic. Talk about an amazing performance, they easily outshined Duran Duran. 

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— Stacy Mizrahi (@MizrahiStacy) August 24, 2022

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— Stacy Mizrahi (@MizrahiStacy) August 24, 2022

Chilling out on the 4th weekend

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We are chilling out in Deep Creek for the 4th of July weekend. Nice weather so far with zero stress. I like chilling on the couch but I have a sense that this will be the last time I’m this chill for a while. 

As my daughter says - Daddy you are OLD!

Someone help that old geezer with the candles, he might hurt himself!

Stacy Mizrahi and Letting Go of the Self

Recently I've been feeling my powerlessness and recognize that there isn't much I can really do about things that are 100% outside of my control. I'm coming to grips with the fact that a huge portion of my character is reactionary and wants to help in any way possible. Until recently, I've never questioned why. But one day I had someone ask, "Are you doing that for him or are you doing that for you?"

That was a pivotal moment where I had to stop planning things and start reflecting on intention. Even if my intentions were genuinely out of compassion, trying to think out the "why" was not an easy answer. There are some situations where I feel compelled to do what I can. I want to be a good father, a good son and a good person. But is my compulsion to do good things done out of a sense of stoic giving back or am I trying to tick off boxes in the righteous living  checklist? It sounds comical but intentions do reveal a lot! I have to confess that I wasn't quick to an answer. 

Sometimes what feels like duty and selflessness is often window-dressing for indulgence. I'll often put myself "out there" to try to help out others and catch myself going through mental gymnastics of finding some grace in the actions I'm doing. Hence, my motivations are actually for a feeling of accomplishment.  Other times I have no pretenses of anything other than getting something done for the other person - true altruism. Then there is a murky area where I might be "playing the part" - doing something I think I should be doing because that is what is expected of me. 

In the end I have decided that sometimes its best to lean in on the serenity prayer. Sometimes I have to accept the things I cannot change and accept the things I can.  I have to recognize when things are out of my control and that all the honest intention in the world won't make things better. I sometimes have to accept that even my best intentions likely won't change the course of events or improve any outcome. Instead, I have to invite the serenity in and know when my presence won't measurably improve anything. I have to be strong and learn to let go. 

Happy Mothers Day

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Happy Mother’s Day! We love the mom of the house and we send our love to the Grandma. 

Merry Christmas

 Merry Christmas! It's been a crazy year, and I'm happy to have gotten through it. Looking forward to continued growth and strength. 

Morning view

It is spring time and this is the view from my deck. Every day is a blessing and I must take note of my surroundings to keep that reminder. 

Self-Fragility and the Art of Accepting Pain

 

As I have gotten older, I've accepted that a lot of what I would call a "comfort zone" is due to a shit-load of privilege. I grew up an only child, was raised in a middle class family and largely didn't have to worry about a dangerous environment in that process of getting to adulthood. All those things are arguably good as no one wants to have their children hurt. But there is this other side - a side in which a person , accustom to things being a certain way, finds them self at odds with the world around them. From this sense of discomfort arises protection mechanisms that protect the person from further discomfort by absolving responsibility of culpability in whatever is going on. It can happen on any number of subjects, from racism, sexism, harms of cultural homogeny, you-name-it. The most insidious part about that is that it stops personal growth and conceals truths or realities that inflict pain. This is the Self-Fragility I call into question. 

No one wants to be blamed. And certainly, we tend to be in systems that protect us from any accountability - even if no action we did created the problem in question, However, that doesn't mean a lack of action is a lack of accountability. The issue is one in which I - a person of arguably boringly average upbringing , will deflect, argue, and whine about issues that threaten to harm my image, ego or worldview. When I catch myself doing it, I have to question a great deal about WHY I'm doing it. And regardless of the issue, it always seems to get back down to protecting my fragile self. Through all my perceived strengths, I can at times see a giant coward hiding within. So I continue my quest to face the hurt, to allow myself to try accepting some blame and shame. I became aware recently that my own spiritual growth isn't fulfilled through finding comfort, but rather that the struggle with my own expectations,  rationalizations and the outside world can be a rocky road where I occasionally find balance and harmony. And I must be willing to forgo my own fragility to experience the bumpy ride. 

Inducing Stress and Lessons Learned

 

I grew up not knowing how to deal with stress. As a consequence,  I became a person who let his emotions run his life. I couldn't leave things at work. I couldn't even deal with the stress while at work. My ADHD  also complicated matters, as my focus would get derailed, I would slide into negative behaviors and my performance would become degraded. My solution to stress was sometimes healthy - like exercise. And other times not so healthy, like drinking, caffeine,  and internet surfing. 

Mediation and Yoga gave me something new - a mindfulness practice to help center myself. The idea was not stress avoidance - although they can sometimes achieve that. Rather, the practice became more like training my brain to cope. Stress is an encompassing experience - your brain and body all of the sudden shift into a different gear and you no longer feel in control. But you actually are! You may not have control of circumstances, but you have control over how you deal with with those stressful events. You might be able to manage to external stressors, but you can always manage the way you deal with them. Like hitting the ball of a tee, the practice over time makes you better at hitting the ball. The practice of yoga, over time, can help you ride out the emotional waves and bring you back to center  - and perhaps even make you calm in the storm. 

My Hiking Adventures

 

Last week, I was mentioning to someone that when I was in the midst of my panic attacks back in 2017, I began noticing that my normally relaxing hiking trips no longer worked! After a lot of self work, I've been hiking again and finally finding that serenity I normally experience while in the woods.  I believe that serenity isn't something that you escape to, rather its a state of mind that you achieve after putting in a lot of work.  Hence, I could only enjoy the outdoors when I was able to tame the anxiety.  If I used the outdoors as anxiety relief, eventually the impact subsides and I was left "going through the motions", unable to appreciate the beauty around me. 

Last year I decided to put a page together so I could catalog my hikes, both past an present. When you see them all together on one page, it's a pleasant reminder of how dedicated I've been to my outdoor explorations. I have ton of hikes to upload, so its going to be a process to get them all on.   In addition, I've been contributing to the Hiking Project - which is a noble effort to document the trail systems that no one else knows about! 

Walking Meditation

 

Walking meditations seem all the rage these days, but I sometimes wonder how many people who claim to do the meditation part are REALLY surrendering to the walk. By surrender, I mean embracing the mindfulness of that one should be focusing on. Walking is easy, keeping your mind to the experience can be a challenge for many. I'm a seasoned hiker and even I find myself slipping into the world of internal monologue and  "holodeck" illusions where my mind is not in the moment. 

I think the trick to walking meditations is to eliminate monotony by constantly checking in with the senses. What am I  seeing? What am I feeling?   Did my dog just eat a frog?  No!? Lets take a deep breath. Mindful movement is not much different than than what one experiences in Yoga or traditional meditation. You can't get "lazy", meaning you can't let the exercise become separate from the workings of the mind. Both work in unison, and it requires effort on the part of the meditator to keep the focus on the present.  All to often we use that walk as a way to get away from ourselves. But the walking meditation is a walk TO our present, to the only time and place where we ever really are. We must use the experience of walking as the focus. By paying close attention to our movements and  inner state, along with all the sounds and sensations of the environment, we become “in the moment.”

A Summer of Solitude was Anything But!

 This COVID 19 world was suppose to be a great many things. One would expect that a global pandemic would have me locked down in quiet solitude, adopting a bunker mentality while I await the "all clear" from medical professionals. And certainly there were a few aspects of my lifestyle that had damaged my socialization, such as my mediation group,  therapy and congregation to ZOOM.  

But in other areas we've been using social distancing practices to stay in communication with support group members and friends.  One of my groups has been meeting at a local lakefront, which I found to be a great socialization outlet. There is only so much you can do on a ZOOM session, and I think the benefits of having human interaction are immediately evident to all who congregate (in a socially responsible way). We immediately can see body language, observe feelings and provide encouragement - which are areas that get inhibited on ZOOM sessions. 

Thanks in part to my daughters instance on getting a dog, I've been walking it ever day( despite my battle with plantars facscitis). Unlike leisure  walking, I've discovered that dog walking actually invites conversation with neighbors who would have otherwise just allowed me to continue walking. 

The family has also been taking advantage of the summer sun and getting more beach time in at my brother-in-laws place. It's been great for my daughter, who - other than her summer camps, has been relatively hunkered down all summer. It's not an ideal socialization strategy but sometimes you have to take the lemons and make lemonade. 

 

Corona is a Great Time to Find Some Peace!

Yeah, I'm still telling you anyway!

I had a great yoga session this morning - from the comfort of my living room watching a YouTube yogi and shared the experience with my wife and 10 year old daughter.  It was a quick 20 minute session that we all got through. In the time after the session, I reflected on the fact that, in this time of social distancing, that I felt "in-tune", realizing that there are others out there that can tap into an endless supply of endorphins through this simple practice. I may not be able to talk to them, but I can understand that, at some level, those who practice yoga and be a part of this spiritual network.

I remember reading a book by Mark Epstein where he discusses going on isolation meditation retreats where no talking is allowed. Through social  deprivation, the mind opens up to listening - as if the ego gets to go on vacation and the senses fill the void. We may not be going to such extremes, but I feel as if this mass pandemic might be a way of getting comfortable with that unpleasant house guest: our own minds. Rather than running to the distractions to kill the uncomfortable silence, perhaps simply embracing isolation might be the healthiest thing we can all do. For when we close our eyes and listen, we might find that there is something much larger there than the void that our brains keep telling us.