Merry Christmas

 Merry Christmas! It's been a crazy year, and I'm happy to have gotten through it. Looking forward to continued growth and strength. 

Morning view

It is spring time and this is the view from my deck. Every day is a blessing and I must take note of my surroundings to keep that reminder. 

Self-Fragility and the Art of Accepting Pain

 

As I have gotten older, I've accepted that a lot of what I would call a "comfort zone" is due to a shit-load of privilege. I grew up an only child, was raised in a middle class family and largely didn't have to worry about a dangerous environment in that process of getting to adulthood. All those things are arguably good as no one wants to have their children hurt. But there is this other side - a side in which a person , accustom to things being a certain way, finds them self at odds with the world around them. From this sense of discomfort arises protection mechanisms that protect the person from further discomfort by absolving responsibility of culpability in whatever is going on. It can happen on any number of subjects, from racism, sexism, harms of cultural homogeny, you-name-it. The most insidious part about that is that it stops personal growth and conceals truths or realities that inflict pain. This is the Self-Fragility I call into question. 

No one wants to be blamed. And certainly, we tend to be in systems that protect us from any accountability - even if no action we did created the problem in question, However, that doesn't mean a lack of action is a lack of accountability. The issue is one in which I - a person of arguably boringly average upbringing , will deflect, argue, and whine about issues that threaten to harm my image, ego or worldview. When I catch myself doing it, I have to question a great deal about WHY I'm doing it. And regardless of the issue, it always seems to get back down to protecting my fragile self. Through all my perceived strengths, I can at times see a giant coward hiding within. So I continue my quest to face the hurt, to allow myself to try accepting some blame and shame. I became aware recently that my own spiritual growth isn't fulfilled through finding comfort, but rather that the struggle with my own expectations,  rationalizations and the outside world can be a rocky road where I occasionally find balance and harmony. And I must be willing to forgo my own fragility to experience the bumpy ride. 

Inducing Stress and Lessons Learned

 

I grew up not knowing how to deal with stress. As a consequence,  I became a person who let his emotions run his life. I couldn't leave things at work. I couldn't even deal with the stress while at work. My ADHD  also complicated matters, as my focus would get derailed, I would slide into negative behaviors and my performance would become degraded. My solution to stress was sometimes healthy - like exercise. And other times not so healthy, like drinking, caffeine,  and internet surfing. 

Mediation and Yoga gave me something new - a mindfulness practice to help center myself. The idea was not stress avoidance - although they can sometimes achieve that. Rather, the practice became more like training my brain to cope. Stress is an encompassing experience - your brain and body all of the sudden shift into a different gear and you no longer feel in control. But you actually are! You may not have control of circumstances, but you have control over how you deal with with those stressful events. You might be able to manage to external stressors, but you can always manage the way you deal with them. Like hitting the ball of a tee, the practice over time makes you better at hitting the ball. The practice of yoga, over time, can help you ride out the emotional waves and bring you back to center  - and perhaps even make you calm in the storm.